Non-communication time

Hey,

So I've decided that I want to communicate with you later, and to not communicate with you for a while. In the meantime, though, I'm going to use this blog to write down what I want to say to you; and really, whether you read it or not in the future, it doesn't really matter.

I want to give you some time now with your life, with settling into your new job et al, and to not interfere. The last thing I want to do is to be the Ex-Boyfriend hankering after you, harassing you in the way that I was harassed, interfering with your life and trying to wiggle into your life when you want to live a life on your own and not be under my shadow, so to speak.

I'm really glad for you that your life is turning out to be good now, with your new confirmed job, and all this work which is occupying your time! It's good, no? And it seems to be a potentially good launching pad for you.

Hey, by the way, I wanted to tell you that I really like you music mix which you had made on my computer. I had it on my iPod, and it's a really good and smooth mix of music: you have a real ear for DJ-ing, and you really should consider doing it.

It's hard letting go, and sometimes I feel down and depressed, like I did two days ago. It helps to meditate, which I've been doing a lot of. Maybe it wouldn't take so long for me to get out of samsara ("Next Station ... Nibbana") afterall...

That said, I really want to continue being your friend. So maybe in order to do that, I should just give you some time alone, I think. As I said before, I need the time alone as well, to be by myself, to relax, to be happy.

And I am happy being single, right now. I attended this vipassana meditation session last night, and it helped tremendously in calming my mind down. Especially after the night before, when I was so full of angst and tension that I was unable to sleep at all, last night was a huge relief to be sitting in a giant meditation hall, with my mind calmed down and feeling a lot better about things than previously. The metta bhavana was especially helpful in sorting out the knots within me, and I can't help but think that maybe, that might be helpful for you too.

On to personal matters, I told my parents that I was going to help JM. My mother advised me to tell my father that I was doing this to help JM, and thankfully, I listened to her: it worked like a dream. He didn't scream or shout or react angrily the way he does when he feels sad; rather, he just asked a few questions and then left it at that. Later on he told my mother that "yeah, it is a good idea for him to do it for a year or so, let him see how things are living by himself..."

:D

I'm so excited about living by myself now, you've no idea....
:D :D :D

Gloomy day

Jeez, the weather today is awful. Overcast and gloomy.

Usually I love this weather, but not today, not when I'm feeling gloomy myself.

And not when I've been without much sleep since last night. I've slept maybe 3 hrs the whole time?

I'm beginning to dread work; in general I'm feeling very ambivalent about it. It's a nice work environment, very slow-paced and very nice and calm. The people here are very nice and friendly as well.

But except for one boss, I really don't click with any of them. It's a constant effort trying to talk with them, and it gets very tiring after a while. There's very little joie de vivre in this place.

Feeling very down and dead

I wasn't able to sleep for the whole of last night.

The moment I hit the sack, the minute my head crashed into the pillow, I tensed up as thought flowed through my head like a neverending stream.

I don't blame her for her decision. Afterall, I had made a similar decision about my previous relationship, right before I got together with her, and she had helped me smoothen the turmoil.

It's just this feeling of deja vu, going back to where I never wanted to go back again.

Maybe it is because this is happening right at the exact same bedroom as all my previous breakups. The same bed, the same bathroom, the same freaking flat.

The same voidness beneath, the same empty feeling, the same gastric troubles are popping up again. I feel nauseous, yet hungry.

I need to vent to someone who can listen, to someone who can help me ease the trouble, but I know deep down inside that nobody can. I know that the only person who can solve this is myself, and I need to solve it myself. Nobody else can tackle my pain except myself, in much the same way that nobody can pee for me except on my own.

I have this constant urge to look for signs, be they signs from her, or signs from horoscopes or what have you. Normally I don't pay heed to those bullshit stuff. In fact, I despised that habit of an ex girlfriend. And yet, what do I make of this breakup-out-of-the-blue, when I had read it in her horoscope and though, "bah, bunch of bullshit", and it turns out to be true?

Of course it is probably just a one-off, and the rest of the thing is just bullshit.

It hurts that she is so unequivocal and certain about "we are not in a relationship" now, and that she loves me now as an ex-bf. A part of me wants to use this time to improve myself, and to win her back by being strong, and being able to take this alone-time and be constructive.

Another part of me just wants to give up everything, let this pass, and just move on. Yet another part wants to scream out to the world, to vent it all out and to cry, ridiculously.

I think there's no reason why I shouldn't use the time now to improve myself, and be constructive. Whether she decides to return to me or not, I'll at least feel better about myself instead of feeling all sorry about myself, as I do right now.

Note about Content

Now, she's not a dumb girl, so I'm not going to post every single thing I've written on the public blog: some things which are too emotional are just going to stay private as drafts. I'm not going to change this, so if some entries seem a bit incoherent, this is the reason, and please bear with me for a bit.

First Post - Beginning of Purgatory

Until purgatory ends, I'll be posting here online, separate from my other blogs.

Hopefully 'she' will not notice that there has been an additional blog in my profile. But then, she usually doesn't notice such things, I think.

So, Purgatory has started for me, since we're in the stage of the relationship now where she officially gets a 'break' to think whether she really wants to be with me or not.

In the meantime, I can either break down completely and die, or be positive about it and take a different approach.

This blog will be a registry of my daily ups and downs as I live in Relationship Purgatory.

Why would I want to do this note-taking, so to speak?
Because it helps, as it's probably my only sure way of venting.
Because it helps me make sense of the irrational and the seemingly nonsensical.
Because deep inside, I think I'm pretty scarred.
And because the web accords an anonymity that nobody from work, play, school, community centres etc. will recognize this as coming from a guy living in Purgatory. Why? Because I need to maintain this melodramatic lie of normalcy, maybe because this will help me get over this crazy period of my life.

Undoubtedly I will probably live until I'm 40+, and maybe laugh when I encounter this blog again. Or maybe not.