Feeling very down and dead
I wasn't able to sleep for the whole of last night.
The moment I hit the sack, the minute my head crashed into the pillow, I tensed up as thought flowed through my head like a neverending stream.
I don't blame her for her decision. Afterall, I had made a similar decision about my previous relationship, right before I got together with her, and she had helped me smoothen the turmoil.
It's just this feeling of deja vu, going back to where I never wanted to go back again.
Maybe it is because this is happening right at the exact same bedroom as all my previous breakups. The same bed, the same bathroom, the same freaking flat.
The same voidness beneath, the same empty feeling, the same gastric troubles are popping up again. I feel nauseous, yet hungry.
I need to vent to someone who can listen, to someone who can help me ease the trouble, but I know deep down inside that nobody can. I know that the only person who can solve this is myself, and I need to solve it myself. Nobody else can tackle my pain except myself, in much the same way that nobody can pee for me except on my own.
I have this constant urge to look for signs, be they signs from her, or signs from horoscopes or what have you. Normally I don't pay heed to those bullshit stuff. In fact, I despised that habit of an ex girlfriend. And yet, what do I make of this breakup-out-of-the-blue, when I had read it in her horoscope and though, "bah, bunch of bullshit", and it turns out to be true?
Of course it is probably just a one-off, and the rest of the thing is just bullshit.
It hurts that she is so unequivocal and certain about "we are not in a relationship" now, and that she loves me now as an ex-bf. A part of me wants to use this time to improve myself, and to win her back by being strong, and being able to take this alone-time and be constructive.
Another part of me just wants to give up everything, let this pass, and just move on. Yet another part wants to scream out to the world, to vent it all out and to cry, ridiculously.
I think there's no reason why I shouldn't use the time now to improve myself, and be constructive. Whether she decides to return to me or not, I'll at least feel better about myself instead of feeling all sorry about myself, as I do right now.
The moment I hit the sack, the minute my head crashed into the pillow, I tensed up as thought flowed through my head like a neverending stream.
I don't blame her for her decision. Afterall, I had made a similar decision about my previous relationship, right before I got together with her, and she had helped me smoothen the turmoil.
It's just this feeling of deja vu, going back to where I never wanted to go back again.
Maybe it is because this is happening right at the exact same bedroom as all my previous breakups. The same bed, the same bathroom, the same freaking flat.
The same voidness beneath, the same empty feeling, the same gastric troubles are popping up again. I feel nauseous, yet hungry.
I need to vent to someone who can listen, to someone who can help me ease the trouble, but I know deep down inside that nobody can. I know that the only person who can solve this is myself, and I need to solve it myself. Nobody else can tackle my pain except myself, in much the same way that nobody can pee for me except on my own.
I have this constant urge to look for signs, be they signs from her, or signs from horoscopes or what have you. Normally I don't pay heed to those bullshit stuff. In fact, I despised that habit of an ex girlfriend. And yet, what do I make of this breakup-out-of-the-blue, when I had read it in her horoscope and though, "bah, bunch of bullshit", and it turns out to be true?
Of course it is probably just a one-off, and the rest of the thing is just bullshit.
It hurts that she is so unequivocal and certain about "we are not in a relationship" now, and that she loves me now as an ex-bf. A part of me wants to use this time to improve myself, and to win her back by being strong, and being able to take this alone-time and be constructive.
Another part of me just wants to give up everything, let this pass, and just move on. Yet another part wants to scream out to the world, to vent it all out and to cry, ridiculously.
I think there's no reason why I shouldn't use the time now to improve myself, and be constructive. Whether she decides to return to me or not, I'll at least feel better about myself instead of feeling all sorry about myself, as I do right now.
posted by keninabu at 5:50 PM
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